I have poison inside me which I have kept for too long…now it is breaking its threshold and I am too weak or say too coward to hold it back ; its bubbling through my veins , leaking from my eyes which burns my cheek and chest like acid drops when it lands. It is falling with my words which feels like bombardment in my ears , and now it is escaping along my breath which is clouding my vision like a haze of gas throwing my brain into utter darkness.
This poison is scratching my throat , making it hard to breathe .I wish I could just stop breathing and hear my heartbeat slowing down until it becomes just a soft ud in my eardrum and finally comes to halt with a ‘tick’ and a dead silence afterward. Its burning my nose like ammonia and I can almost smell the horrible death in it. Its coming out from everywhere and my two hands are not enough to hold it back. I wanna spill it all out at once without delaying a second cuz it is burning every bit of a goodness inside me,it is squeezing every drop of emotions from my heart leaving it cold and dry like a stone, it is sucking every inch of air from me lungs leaving it to wither and crumble like dry leaves under a worn out tree. It is squeezing my stomach so hard forcing it to crawl up in a bundle of knot. But no matter how much the unendurable pain rises, I mustn’t let a single drop of this venom touch the ground.
But I am loosing my grip now, I am feeling numb and cold already. I can’t seem to hold my ground steady. i can’t clear my eyes and drag my brain from the utter darkness. I am loosing it, I can’t take it anymore…I have a ton of weight inside my chest where I used to feel my heart beating. I am gasping loudly for air but it feels like my throat is blocked and my lungs are all jammed .I am gasping even harder like a fish out of water. My eye lids feels heavy, the picture infront of me are now nothing but a blurr. My knees are shaking like its going to shatter any moment now. My whole body is trembling like all the joints have suddenly starting to fall apart. I’ve let my guard down infront of this pain. There is nothing I can do now except to prepare myself for the worst. But my conscience is still shouting at me not to give up so easy.I mustn’t let it escape the jail of my body cuz it’s the only urn made to hold it .I should pull myself together, I should slap myself out to consciousness, I must jerk myself up from the ground and suck all the poison back in me again.
Cuz if I didn’t it’ll burn all the happiness around me which I have nurtured so gently for so long. I can’t sacrifice all those happiness I’ve collected piece by piece from all those horrible past and terrifying present only for my tomorrow. I can’t see my happiness burning which I have sown as a seed in the ground of my pain, watering with my tears, nourishing with the light of hope and see it grow leaf by leaf, climbing with twig by twig and putting buds upon buds. It is too much precious to throw up for pain. I can’t even imagine to see those green leaves burning into flames, gradually loosing its colour and crumbling to ashes. I can’t see those twigs crawling back trying to jerk off the flame and I certainly can’t stand the feeling of helplessness I’ll feel to see those beautiful buds withering and dying before even the first blossom.
I must hold on to it . I must stand firm on my ground, my happiness depends upon my rise and fall. I must save my happiness But what about my goodness, my emotions? What will I do with these happiness without any goodness to protect it and any emotions to feel it? What is the value of happiness if I am stone inside? What is the meaning of those blossom to bear if I can’t breathe in the sweet fragrance in my lungs? What?? Tell me which one is wroth saving, my goodness and emotions without which i can't feel a thing meither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong ,neither happiness nor sadness OR should i choose happiness without which my life will be sad and mesarable forever which has already cost me so much pain ,tears and hope to nourish it and now can i just abandon it when it is time to harvest the fruit I've desired most and lived my life through all those rough edges life cutted out for me? Which one is more valuable to save, protect and preserve OR which one is less precious to desert, abandon or left out? Which one???So, I guess; either way this is one bargain of loss for me anyway...,
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